...fade from view...

I've been thinking about the way in which friends are made and lost lately, and I think I'm going to split it into two successive posts.

I think I want to talk about loss first.

In the process of going through my things in the purge I found some old photos that I forget I had. One was of an exgirlfriend whom I dumped and drifted away from. The others were from friends' weddings. In them were photos of people who have moved away and others with whom I only maintained contact through mutual friends. It was a bit of a surprise to see them in the photos, to be honest. I'd forgotten about them.

The one fellow I met in my days working at Subway and I miss hanging out with him. We had many fun times, especially while we worked together. In the end though, his lifestyle was more physically active than my body has ever allowed me to be as an adult. He really liked to mountain bike and sometimes it seemed to be his world. I guess it was inevitable that we lose touch, but it's too bad. Last I heard he was on the West Coast somewhere.

The fellow that I only maintained a friendship with through other friends actually was at one point a primary friend. We went to Elementary School and High School together. It was in High School that we started to drift. My friend group was into gaming and it seems as though he slowly started to lose interest. His other interests I didn't share, but a couple of the other guys did. Still, he got me thinking of the High School crowd. Some I'm still in touch with and others I'm not. I think it's time to write a letter (with pen and paper) and send it off to those for whom I have addresses. Nothing says effort like paper.

More recently, I had a falling out with a friend. Things are still in flux. I can't pass by the friend's house or read his/her emails yet because I still have a physical reaction to seeing them. Unfortunately for me right now the only feelings I have when I think about this friend is a feeling of relief at not feeling that I need to get togehter with him/her and then some guilt that I feel relief. Luckily the guilt is small and I just remind myself that sometimes I have to put me first.

Sometimes people grow apart as easily as closer together. I don't know about the rest of you but my interests change and grow as I age. Sure, there are still things that I've been doing for years -- tabletop is at 18 years and larp, if you count the superhero roleplaying I did as a child with the neighbourhood kids is a lot longer. ::grin:: I also haven't given up reading although I read a broader range of genres than I used to read. My music tastes have broadened significantly as well; my period of dissatisfaction with male vocalists is over and I've been able to appreciate the metal that I grew up enjoying as well as some of the rock I missed in the 90s. (I Mother Earth is good! Who knew?! ::grin::) Now to catch up in acquisition of said music.

In light of this, it only makes sense that friendships adjust as you find yourself doing different activities and hanging out in different ways. Sometimes you just find yourself getting together less and less as you realise that you have fewer things in common than you used to have. In other cases there can be drifting apart even while you still do things together until one day the person announces that he's "evolved beyond you". It's hard to realise that the only reason you are friends with someone is because you've been friends with them for a long time. Every once in a while we should ask ourselves whether or not if we were to meet a friend for the first time today we'd still be friends -- knowing yourself and them as you do. It can be a hard thing to answer.

The worst is when there is an action or disagreement so big that you just can't stand to see the person anymore. Sometimes you can get over it and sometimes you can't. I guess it depends on whether or not you think that you and the friend can resolve the issues, whether or not the relationship can weather the strife, and whether or not the involved parties can change.

Life is change and not all change will bring us joy, but our friends should.

La muse? Elle est ici? Qu'est-ce qui se passe?

Lost Chances

It was his broken heart,
he mused,
which had led him so far astray.
It kept opening itself up
to the wrong
right
people.

Once opened,
it left the door wide.
Any one
Anyone could find their way in.
It was a cancer patient's
compromised immune system,
and love...
an opportunistic disease.

Oh sure, he thought,
I can keep tissues on hand,
and take medications
to change how I feel --
but that only treats the symptoms
and not the cause
underlying
lying under the ribs.

There, he breathed,
closing the door.
No harm can come to me now.
In the depths of the mind
are hates and loves
sating the every whim
along paths that are drawn before.

The lines soon came
to envelop his thoughts
throughout sleep and waking.
When a knock was politely heard,
he found himself in a maze.

Shades of Grey

It's getting to be that time of year when I start to miss the rain. There is something about rain that is rejuvinating and relaxing. I like having it fall on me and soak me through. This time of year though, the rain becomes something to wish away. With the cold it can easily go freezing or sleetish and worst of all, it might decide to snow instead.

Today, the cloud cover is beautiful. There are patches of sky, but abouve me I see the subtle differences in grey on grey. If I thought the temperature would last, I'd pray for rain. As it is, I have the feeling that the moisture levels in those clouds is not enough to actually release any to us. Stupid cold weather causing clouds to be visible at lower moisture levels.

We are getting into the season where the skies will often fill with clouds and that will be it. Just them, lying up there, a blanket to the sky. I love it. It feels cosy and safe. With the clouds up there I surely can't fall up into the sky and be lost to space. The clouds will catch me. Yes, every once in a while I really do feel that way. I land up having to do mental grounding exercises where I anchor myself to the earth. It is how I know that my fears are that of falling and not of heights.

If you can, take a moment to look up today. If you are lucky enough to have clouds, don't take them for granted and dismiss them. Rather, take a moment ot appreciate their beauty, be it framed in a sky of blue or in the play of grey on grey that stretches as fall as you can see. If you are looking at grey on grey, we might even be looking at the same cloudbank! At this time of year with the massive cloud covers, it's possible.